To "Bob"

Dear Baby Brother-
We don't have a name for you yet, but your siblings call you "Bob," for some reason.
I thought maybe it would be therapeutic for me to write to you, since our only interaction is me waiting for you to move and wiggle.  Maybe this letter will help you know how much we love you already.


Today was a restorative day for all of us.  We went to our favorite beach here for the whole day.  Your siblings spent it almost entirely in the chilly Atlantic water, body-boarding in the waves, floating down the sea river that feeds into the ocean, building habitats for hermit crabs and shrimp, and meeting new and old friends in the surf.  William dug a big pit and oh! Anna desperately wanted to help!  Of course, a two year old helping to dig sand usually ends up as a two year old filling in a sand hole.  Anna got her feelings hurt.


But it all ended up ok.  Max took the reigns and helped William literally dig himself into a hole. Then, Max and Becca and Anna filled it back in with sand.  They put a bucket over William's head and it really looked like William had disappeared!

William is under there! 

Your dad played in the waves with all of your siblings for hours.  He is such a good dad.  Sometimes I cry because I worry you will never know him.  But then that's silly.  You will probably know him better than I do, seeing him from the other side.  I don't need to tell you what a lucky little boy you are to have him as your dad.  You probably already know.

Madi and I spent a good part of the day sitting in chairs together.  I read out loud to her.  I like to think that you could hear me, too.  I find it so comforting when I am with both of you together reading- my two children who need me most right now.  My doctor says you are literally surrounded by me, and that brings me immense peace.


Madi's having a hard time right now.  The immunotherapy for her brain cancer makes her really tired and sometimes kind of sick.  She just feels generally yucky even if she is getting 15 hours of sleep.  Will you watch out for her?  Can you help her through this, I wonder?  Something inside me tells me you two are connected in a special way.  I hope that's true. She really needs a "guy on the inside" right now, helping her in ways that we cannot.

We ended the day with a good-bye to summer trip to Dairy Queen where we talked about our favorite summer memories and ate ice cream.  We had a good summer, full of wonderful trips and ordinary days, playdates and projects, reading and cuddling, lots of singing "Let it Go" and "Fight Song."

I can still feel the sun on my face (probably because I got a sunburn :)), and feel almost like I can still hear the gentle cadence of the ocean in my ears.  Days like this one are gifts.  Do you remember the story of Frederick the mouse I read to Anna a lot, where he collects memories while all the other mice are collecting food for the winter?  When everyone is cold and lonely, Frederick pulls out his colorful memories and tells stories to the other mice.  You can't see the pages, but the memories are like colorful rocks, which all the mice see as Frederick tells his stories.  This is a colorful memory rock that I will pull out again and again when the winter is cold and hard.




I wish this gentle ocean cadence would ease me back to sleep.  I woke up in the middle of the night again.  I guess you know this happens a lot these days.  I flipped sides and didn't feel your little kicks like I usually do when I change position.  I guess I got worried, given the high risk of stillbirth with Trisomy 18.  I sat wide-eyed in the darkness for what felt like an hour (but really it was minutes) until I felt your soft hiccup and I breathed deep and imagined hugging you.

How it is possible for me to love you so much when I have never met you, I will never understand. Just know that I do. We all do.  William cried this week when he realized you may not ever be able to wear the shirt he just grew out of.  He comforted himself by talking about how you would be a ghost- like Zane in Ninjago.  Then he realized what a fantastic advantage that would be for our Knight ninja force, so he's dealing with it as well as any four year old can be expected to deal.

We have made it 30 weeks, little one.  My heart longs to hold you alive.  I hope you can make it another few weeks.  Stay with us as long as you can.  Oh how we long to show you the beach in person.  Just hang in there.  I like having you around.

All my love,
Mommy

Comments

Elise Hahl said…
What a beautiful tribute. Every post of your makes me cry! "Bob" is lucky to have such a wonderful mom, as well as a great dad.
Mimi said…
Beautiful jen! My heart hurts at all your family is facing. When I first heard about madi and "bob" I felt the must have a special connection with each other. Prayers for all of you.
emily snyder said…
Sobbing in the middle of a library at school. Oh my broken heart. How in heavens name did I get lucky enough to get to be your friend?? I love you more than I will ever express.
Missy said…
As hard as it is to watch my sister go through something so heart-wrenching, I have the added perspective of distance. Even though I'm one step removed from the ache, the "unbearable" remains. But I can imagine your little one seeing this letter and I think this would be his response:

Dear Mommy,
Your letter was nice, but unnecessary; I already know how much I'm loved. I can feel it when you cradle your stomach as if I were in a sling on the outside. I can feel it when every teardrop hits my womb like a warm summer's rain. I can feel it when you imagine a future for me that can never be. I can feel it when Dad hugs you and cries with you and tries to take away the pain. I can feel it when little William prays for me and I can feel it when Max privately prays for you. I can feel it when Becca and Anna sing, and I can feel it in Madi's strength. And I can even feel it when my siblings affectionately call me "Bob" (but please don't name me that, no offense to the Bobs of the world).

Mommy, I know my time with you is limited, but just know that I will be drinking in your love like a Mercer Mayer Typhoonigator that you read about to Anna. You give love so freely that I will never have to ask for it. It's one of the reasons I chose to come to you. You have the ability to allow me to feel a lifetime of love in just a short time.

Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes when I really want to see something spectacular, I pop back up to heaven for a second and look down on our little family. I can see your spirits, Mommy, and you wouldn't believe how glorious they are! I feel lucky that I get to watch them for longer than anyone else since I'll be the first one to go Home. And someday down the road, our positions will be switched. I will get to welcome you into my world. I'll show you the same love you showed me (the same love I learned in your arms) and I'll feel the same excitement you felt about my arrival. Don't worry, I'll save you a spot. Right next to Heavenly Father and Jesus.

I love you, Mommy, and always will.
Love,
Baby Brother
Dear jenn! I happened to get on Facebook and saw your post and link to your blog and have spent the last couple hours getting updated. First off, I am also pregnant with #6, 33 weeks along. So, hearing your news with how similar our children and ages are hit home. I am completely at a loss for words except to keep telling Tyler, " jenn is one of the most amazing people I have ever known". You, of course, turn this experience into pieces of inspiration for everyone around you. I haven't talked to you since who knows when, but I couldn't hold back from subscribing to your blog. I will also be praying for your incredible family. Love you and our memories together! -Amelia pearce(Kacher)
Ale Thompson said…
I love your family so much! I can feel the Spirit when I read your posts. Thank you for teaching us through your faithfulness and example. I know Heavenly Father is trying to comfort you every minute.
I miss you 🌸
It is possible to love your baby having not met physically yet. I'm praying for you, baby, Madi, Kurt and the rest of your family. You will treasure and honor whatever time you are given. All our love!
Kristen said…
I had a comment, and then I read Missy's letter from your son. I can't think of anything more perfect and I am quite sure she is right. We have two angels on the other side in our family, and one thing I do know is how deliberately they chose and fought to be part of our family. You are so loved, Jen. I hope you can feel it amidst the heartache.
The Egglestons said…
This is beautiful, Jenn. My heart aches for you, and I am amazed by you. I love you and pray for your family continually.
The Egglestons said…
I just read Missy's response, and I'm in tears. She is so right. He knows that he is loved beyond measure! What you, Kurt, and your family have given him already is amazing.
Preece Family said…
Jenn and Family, thank you for sharing your hearts, love and faith with all of us. It's a sacred space to read your words and I feel so blessed to call you a friend! We send our hugs and love to baby, Mom, courageous Madi and stalwart siblings! Love you all!! Praying for you always...

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