Sad-Happy Holidays from the Knights
I have tried and tried again to update this blog over the last ten months. But I am left with a bunch of half-written posts that don't seem to capture what life has been like.
In some ways, it has been normal. Our kids are busy with activities like piano and sports and dance. They have good friends and great teachers and fun activities. Kurt and I continue with work, church, and volunteer stuff. We appreciate the continued love and support of dear friends around us. We have traveled a lot this year, studied a lot, exercised a lot, and spent a lot of time together (though not nearly as much as we would have liked). In so many ways, life feels a lot like it used to feel.
But there is a huge portion of life that I just don't know how to put in words. Well, for example, tonight as we were driving home from a fun afternoon with our kids and extended family, I looked at Kurt and asked, "How are you?" He nodded, as he does frequently does when I ask that question. "Really?" I asked again. He nodded again. Then he looked at me and said, "you?" I said, "I'm happy. I mean, sad-happy, you know. I remember happy-happy, and I'm not that. I'm not sure I will ever be able to be happy-happy again." He nodded again in understanding (my husband of few words :)) and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
See, it sounds so depressing when I say it like that. It's the kind of thing that makes people want to coo in pity and give us hugs and console us. Don't get me wrong- most days a response like that is very appreciated! But life is not so depressing as it sounds.
Yes, everyday is hard. Some days, it's so hard that I just want to give up and lay down and watch Netflix and eat... well, anything. There really are no easy days, just less-hard days. And yes, I still cry pretty much every day at least once. That's why my eyes always look puffy and/or red (anyone have a remedy for red puffy eyes???).
BUT, life is also so much more meaningful and full than it was before. Sad-happy often feels like a bummer compared to happy-happy, sure; but it's also an acknowledgement that our life here on earth is incomplete and always will be. Happy-happy can fool us into thinking that what we have now is enough, that we don't need more happiness or joy or peace. It's like making you think that the shiny new penny in your hand right now is just fine when you actually have a million dollars sitting in your bank account.
Sad-happy is a motivator. It moves us to look for ways to find more meaning in the mundane, to be better in our relationships and find joy in moments we completely missed when we were happy-happy. Sad-happy slows everything down and hands us a magnifying glass so we can examine ourselves and see if we are creating the legacy we want to leave behind. Happy-happy - I realize now- is a teaser of what can be in the future. It was never intended to be the end.
And so, we trek on through many firsts this year without our dear little ones, often imagining what it would be like if they were still with us. We make new beautiful memories without Madi and Frederick, only realizing how glorious those moments are because we have experienced how fleeting they are. We snuggle our kiddos here with a love that didn't exist before we lost our other children. We wake up with an emptiness that pushes us to want more out of life than job security and good health. Life as it was before is no longer enough and we are beginning to see how good that will be for us as the years roll on.
That is about as close as I can get to describing how life is now.
My New Year's resolution is to write more since it helps me process. I hope to put more on the blog. I have always been more of a private person, perhaps because of an innate insecurity that comes from knowing people can and will judge everything I say out loud. But I'm kind of done being insecure. Well, I want to be done with it. It's such a waste of time.
In some ways, it has been normal. Our kids are busy with activities like piano and sports and dance. They have good friends and great teachers and fun activities. Kurt and I continue with work, church, and volunteer stuff. We appreciate the continued love and support of dear friends around us. We have traveled a lot this year, studied a lot, exercised a lot, and spent a lot of time together (though not nearly as much as we would have liked). In so many ways, life feels a lot like it used to feel.
But there is a huge portion of life that I just don't know how to put in words. Well, for example, tonight as we were driving home from a fun afternoon with our kids and extended family, I looked at Kurt and asked, "How are you?" He nodded, as he does frequently does when I ask that question. "Really?" I asked again. He nodded again. Then he looked at me and said, "you?" I said, "I'm happy. I mean, sad-happy, you know. I remember happy-happy, and I'm not that. I'm not sure I will ever be able to be happy-happy again." He nodded again in understanding (my husband of few words :)) and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
See, it sounds so depressing when I say it like that. It's the kind of thing that makes people want to coo in pity and give us hugs and console us. Don't get me wrong- most days a response like that is very appreciated! But life is not so depressing as it sounds.
Yes, everyday is hard. Some days, it's so hard that I just want to give up and lay down and watch Netflix and eat... well, anything. There really are no easy days, just less-hard days. And yes, I still cry pretty much every day at least once. That's why my eyes always look puffy and/or red (anyone have a remedy for red puffy eyes???).
BUT, life is also so much more meaningful and full than it was before. Sad-happy often feels like a bummer compared to happy-happy, sure; but it's also an acknowledgement that our life here on earth is incomplete and always will be. Happy-happy can fool us into thinking that what we have now is enough, that we don't need more happiness or joy or peace. It's like making you think that the shiny new penny in your hand right now is just fine when you actually have a million dollars sitting in your bank account.
Sad-happy is a motivator. It moves us to look for ways to find more meaning in the mundane, to be better in our relationships and find joy in moments we completely missed when we were happy-happy. Sad-happy slows everything down and hands us a magnifying glass so we can examine ourselves and see if we are creating the legacy we want to leave behind. Happy-happy - I realize now- is a teaser of what can be in the future. It was never intended to be the end.
And so, we trek on through many firsts this year without our dear little ones, often imagining what it would be like if they were still with us. We make new beautiful memories without Madi and Frederick, only realizing how glorious those moments are because we have experienced how fleeting they are. We snuggle our kiddos here with a love that didn't exist before we lost our other children. We wake up with an emptiness that pushes us to want more out of life than job security and good health. Life as it was before is no longer enough and we are beginning to see how good that will be for us as the years roll on.
That is about as close as I can get to describing how life is now.
My New Year's resolution is to write more since it helps me process. I hope to put more on the blog. I have always been more of a private person, perhaps because of an innate insecurity that comes from knowing people can and will judge everything I say out loud. But I'm kind of done being insecure. Well, I want to be done with it. It's such a waste of time.
Happy holidays to all of you!
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| "These carrots are for the reindeer. 2 for each 9 reindeer, right? If there is extra then you can eat them." Christmas Eve note to Santa from our kids. |
Comments
Thank you for being willing - even if it’s is uncomfortable - to share your journey with us. We are so grateful for all of your thoughts, how you process your feelings with such great faith, and how you look to the future with hope and a deeper sense of understanding. Your experiences are helping me to grow. Helping me to reach for better. Improving me as a wife and a mother. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for being vulnerable and living with your heart. I love you so much