Theme of today: Appreciate my now

What an amazing little girl we have. She has handled all this like a champ. They have to wake her up every hour to check her cognitive function. She has to be fully awake to answer the questions. Every time they wake her, she pops to alertness and answers the questions without a word of complaint. She's just so sweet and cooperative. She has been amassing a small army of stuffed animals. Everytime someone gives her another one, she smiles and hugs it to her like it's a long-lost friend and keeps it with her in bed.

 The swelling in her head is normal and stable. All her vitals are solid. We are deeply grateful... cannot express how grateful we are that she seems to be doing so well. She looks like she's been in a bar fight with her swollen face and eye (well, a bar fight where the aggressor was a skilled barber who shaved a strip off the middle of her head). She is smiling and laughing, though not much because it hurts too much. They will keep her in the ICU for another night and hopefully if everything holds steady, she will get transferred into a regular hospital room tomorrow and get a more detailed MRI.

I love that we get so much immediate attention here in the ICU, but I admit- it's really intense. There is an infant next door who is clearly in a lot of pain. She has been crying non-stop since we've been here. I feel so bad for her and her poor parents. It brought back memories of my own colicky babies and I kind of wanted to rock in the corner, but since I was already rocking in the corner from our own problems, I called it good :) I think the kid on the other side of us passed away this morning because we saw a very sad family leaving with an empty wheelchair after a "code red" incident last night. My poor mama heart can't be here too much longer without soaking in others' pain and stress. I kept thinking of my friend, Jess, who worked as a nurse in the Newborn ICU (NICU) for a while. I have deep, deep respect for her and gratiude that there are people NOT like me who can handle it.

My challenge today has been trying not to let my mind "go there." I can't think about what life will be like in a few weeks or months or years. We just don't know enough yet to even know what we are dealing with. I have been sitting with Madi, holding her hand, listening to Harry Potter with her. Living in the now has always been my weakness. So I am trying to absorb this new skill, just enjoying the time I have here now with my sweet little girl.

Kurt is so good at this. One of the benefits of marrying your opposite (like I did) is that in times like this, he is everything that I cannot be (and vice verse). We are a good team and I'm so happy to have him here (not just because he tells me I'm beautiful when I look like death warmed over after a rocky night in the ICU). He's so good at compartmentalizing and focusing on the need-to-know information. He thinks when my brain is tired. So grateful he has been able to be here with us. I'm also so grateful for the messages and emails and texts that have come in and the army of people who have offered help. Thank you a million times over for all of it. One day, I hope I can express individually how deeply you all have sustained us already. THANK YOU!

Comments

Teresa Whitehead said…
Much love and prayers headed your way, Jenn. Love you!
Kristi You said…
Jenn, you truly are amazing (in so many ways.) Thank you so much for the updates. We are praying often and hoping it will lift you. We love you all so much.
ty and megs said…
My heart is with you my dear Jenn! You, Madi and your family will be in our prayers. Sending all the love we can give from St. Louis.
XO: Meghan
SMcSweeney said…
Jenn,
Thinking of you all during this time:) Love and hugs, Sarah Pierson

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