Great Expectations

photo cred: Dawn Wessman Photography

Feeling like I've been starting labor for a couple of days, I have been hyper-aware of the baby's movements.  I know there is a high chance of Trisomy- 18 babies dying in the process of being born.  Yesterday, the movements seemed to weaken and slow.  Wanting peace of mind, I headed to my OB to "just check" the heartbeat.  We found it, but it was low.  Normal range for a baby is between 110-160.  During all my other check-ups, baby has been clocking in between 120-140.  Last night, his heart rate was 90, then it dropped to 70. 

Normally at that point, if the baby were healthy with a reasonable chance of survival, my OB would have taken me immediately to labor and delivery where I would have been hooked up to a constant monitor or maybe even directly to the operating room to prep for a c-section.  Of course, for this baby, everything is different.  There is no guarantee that a c-section would save the baby's life, and induction makes the process harder for struggling babies because everything gets more intense.  She reminded us of the line in our birth plan that said we wanted to "respect the baby's natural life span" and encouraged us to go home and say our good-byes and prepare for a stillbirth.

I cannot accept this.  Not yet.  I have tried and it just doesn't feel right.  I asked her one more time before we left the office if she could check the heart rate.  It leaped up to 135.  I have no idea what is going on, nor do I have the strength right now to accept that I will not hold him alive. 

If God can restore sight to the blind or heal lame men, he can help this baby hang on for a few more minutes. I'm not asking for years, or even days or weeks.  I'm asking for minutes... seconds.  Just a moment to see him and feel him warm in my arms.  I know there are so many women who pray for this and do not get it.  So maybe this is not God's plan for us.  In which case, I pray for the strength to accept whatever happens.  I'm praying that he and I will be strong enough to make it through this, whatever this ends up being.

I'm having strong contractions and have been all night, but they are irregular.  Something is happening, but I'm not sure how far away I am from all of this being over.  I will post more as soon as I can.

Comments

slopsemafamily said…
Prayers for you and your family and unborn little boy! God is a god of miracles and we can never under estimate his power!
Chrissy Andrews McMahon said…
Love and prayers to you and your family ❤️❤️
The Wyly's said…
My family and I are continuing to Pray for Strength and Comfort for you and your family!! Thankful for the knowledge we have. Love you Jenn!!
Shawn Dolan said…
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for the strength you need to be in this moment with so much love and gratitude and and acceptance for whatever is meant to be Gods will. You will have all that you need to get through this. ❤️❤️❤️
Jana said…
You can do this Jenn, May Angels lift you up and give you the strength you need. Praying for you my dear friend.
Leslie graff said…
Sending love. There is so much emotional work in this trying to prepare psychologically for various outcomes. My prayers are with you hoping that you will have the opportunity for even a few moments.
The Egglestons said…
We are praying for you, Kurt, and this baby boy. Love you all.❤️❤️❤️
Mimi said…
Jen, I️ have been praying for you this morning. That you will be able to look into your little boys eyes and connect your souls. What a heart wrenching and difficult time for you and your family. Praying it will be laced with beauty too. 💕
Suzanne Fraser said…
I am praying for you and "Bob" ,I love every one of you to the moon and back!!!
Brianne said…
My kids and I will kneel down this morning and say a prayer for you and your son. Hoping for a peaceful resolution for all of you. Love you!
Elise Hahl said…
Praying for you, Jenn. You have given this boy such a gift already. Stay strong and rely on the Savior's grace. (And someday, explain to me how you wrote a blog post through contractions!) Much love.
Mike Hicks said…
Prayers to you and your sweet family.
Corie said…
I'm sitting here sending you all of the love and prayers I can old friend. I pray for peace for you, your amazing baby and the rest of your beautiful family.
Debora Louks said…
Jen,
I pray for you and your little guy! He's a precious wee one! There are so many prayers go in up for th he both of you! I feel as you he can have a miracle! All will be well!

Debbie Grubbs Louks
Kristiina said…
Dear Jenn, I hope your prayers are answered and you have a few moments with this tiny son of yours. This is harder than I can imagine, but I wish you all the love and strength and peace possible.
kim said…
Jenn, My thoughts and prayers are with you, your son and your family.
Monica Carbone said…
No one deserves an answered prayer more than you, Jen.
Carmen said…
We are praying for your family Jenn. May God give you strength and comfort. If you need anything please let me know!
Unknown said…
Jenn, praying for you and for your family and that the God of miracles will grant you and your family the miracle of welcoming this baby boy to your family here on Earth. I love and admire you, Jenn--strength and comfort to you.
Unknown said…
I am the "unknown of the previous comment - love you Jenn - Bev King
Laura Ault said…
Love to you and your darling family! Snuggle and breathe! Of course prayers and the ability to accept. ❤️
Amy & Greg said…
Thank you for inviting us to continue to pray for you very specifically. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Birgit said…
Praying for you to find comfort and peace whatever direction your pregnancy/birth goes. May you find comfort in the arms of those that love and care for you. May you feel peace through surrounding angels and the outstretched arms of the Lord.

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