Great Expectations

photo cred: Dawn Wessman Photography

Feeling like I've been starting labor for a couple of days, I have been hyper-aware of the baby's movements.  I know there is a high chance of Trisomy- 18 babies dying in the process of being born.  Yesterday, the movements seemed to weaken and slow.  Wanting peace of mind, I headed to my OB to "just check" the heartbeat.  We found it, but it was low.  Normal range for a baby is between 110-160.  During all my other check-ups, baby has been clocking in between 120-140.  Last night, his heart rate was 90, then it dropped to 70. 

Normally at that point, if the baby were healthy with a reasonable chance of survival, my OB would have taken me immediately to labor and delivery where I would have been hooked up to a constant monitor or maybe even directly to the operating room to prep for a c-section.  Of course, for this baby, everything is different.  There is no guarantee that a c-section would save the baby's life, and induction makes the process harder for struggling babies because everything gets more intense.  She reminded us of the line in our birth plan that said we wanted to "respect the baby's natural life span" and encouraged us to go home and say our good-byes and prepare for a stillbirth.

I cannot accept this.  Not yet.  I have tried and it just doesn't feel right.  I asked her one more time before we left the office if she could check the heart rate.  It leaped up to 135.  I have no idea what is going on, nor do I have the strength right now to accept that I will not hold him alive. 

If God can restore sight to the blind or heal lame men, he can help this baby hang on for a few more minutes. I'm not asking for years, or even days or weeks.  I'm asking for minutes... seconds.  Just a moment to see him and feel him warm in my arms.  I know there are so many women who pray for this and do not get it.  So maybe this is not God's plan for us.  In which case, I pray for the strength to accept whatever happens.  I'm praying that he and I will be strong enough to make it through this, whatever this ends up being.

I'm having strong contractions and have been all night, but they are irregular.  Something is happening, but I'm not sure how far away I am from all of this being over.  I will post more as soon as I can.